I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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