My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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