i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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