There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I need to align my fucking chakras
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