I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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