And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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