I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
