so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
