She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
