What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
