All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
