Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
