My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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