he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
