Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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