I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
