i was born a porn star she said
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize