Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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