I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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