when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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