I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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