i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
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