i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
