Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
