The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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