You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
