I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
