Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
