I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
