So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
