Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
