i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
