It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
