You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
