You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
