if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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