Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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