i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
