im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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