Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I looked at my own cervix.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
