I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
