Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
