He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
