I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize