You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize