I think my fart just growled at me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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