You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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