But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
