you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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