I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
