I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
