Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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