I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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