All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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