i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
