dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
did i just pee glitter
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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