The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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