I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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