I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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