A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
